🔗 Share this article The Words given by My Dad That Saved Me when I became a Brand-New Father "I believe I was simply just surviving for the first year." Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of becoming a dad. But the actual experience soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured. Serious health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also caring for their baby boy Leo. "I was doing every night time, each diaper… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan stated. After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help. The direct statement "You're not in a good spot. You need support. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing. His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although society is now better used to talking about the pressure on moms and about PND, less is said about the struggles dads encounter. Asking for help is not weak to ask for help Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a wider failure to open up amongst men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of masculinity. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing time and again." "It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling. They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the unit. Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a pause - taking a couple of days away, away from the family home, to gain perspective. He understood he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her. Self-parenting That realisation has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood. He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older. Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood. The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old. During his childhood Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection. Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when he was younger to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish. "You turn to things that don't help," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse." Strategies for Managing as a New Father Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone. Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games. Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mind is coping. Spend time with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling. Remember that requesting help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the best way you can support your family. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time. Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the safety and nurturing he lacked. When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations constructively. Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I think my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."
"I believe I was simply just surviving for the first year." Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of becoming a dad. But the actual experience soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured. Serious health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also caring for their baby boy Leo. "I was doing every night time, each diaper… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan stated. After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help. The direct statement "You're not in a good spot. You need support. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing. His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although society is now better used to talking about the pressure on moms and about PND, less is said about the struggles dads encounter. Asking for help is not weak to ask for help Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a wider failure to open up amongst men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of masculinity. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing time and again." "It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling. They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the unit. Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a pause - taking a couple of days away, away from the family home, to gain perspective. He understood he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her. Self-parenting That realisation has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood. He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older. Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood. The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old. During his childhood Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection. Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when he was younger to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish. "You turn to things that don't help," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse." Strategies for Managing as a New Father Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone. Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games. Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mind is coping. Spend time with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling. Remember that requesting help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the best way you can support your family. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time. Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the safety and nurturing he lacked. When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations constructively. Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I think my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."